“Hey I’m Abby and I’m an alcoholic..”
My story is long, there are good parts, there are bad parts, and there are a lot of blurry parts. I am 25 years old, and I suffer from addiction, depression , anxiety, and an eating disorder. I had my first alcohol experience at the age of 13. A typical house party, when ended up with me falling out of a two story window and sleeping in a closet. Of course my parents found out, and I vowed I’d never do that again… “I’ll never do that again” would be the story of my life from here on out.
I wasn’t much of a drinker in my early high school days, I experimented with marijuana, and lived a somewhat carefree life, but I also lived in my own little bubble. That bubble was popped the day I realized my best friend was a heroin addict. My whole word was turned upside down, and I was placed smack dab in the middle of the world of drugs.
I lived my life to please everyone, and I never wanted my problems to affect anyone else’s happiness. My junior year I turned to self harm to deal with the pain I had been bottling up, cutting myself and lying to my friends and family. These were the first signs of my depression downfall. I went on a retreat called Kairos the middle of my junior year and finally opened up about my struggles and started making progress towards a happier life. “I will never cut myself again…”
My senior year I establish who I was as a person, carefree and loved life. It was a good year.
I was never a girl that got the guy, I was one of the guys. I was okay with that to an extent, but every girl wants to feel pretty and wanted. I drank, and eventually I learned what it felt like to blackout. I drank a lot the summer after graduation, parties were my main source of fun and entertainment. I was eighteen when I “lost” my virginity… But I can’t say I remember it or that I was a willing participant. My trust issues increased from there, and my self worth was flushed down the toilet. “Sex doesn’t mean anything…” I completely separated any emotions from the act of coitus.
Freshman year of college I was a typical drunk girl, partied with the best of them! College calmed down when I started up a relationship my sophomore year, and I never felt the need to over drink.
After college I was lost, I didn’t go straight Into a career, and I took to drinking more because it was a way to escape the pressures of adulthood.
I never knew my limit, I would drink till I couldn’t remember where I was, who I was with, or even who I was. I would wake up in places I didn’t know, with people I couldn’t even tell you their name. My “friends” were always down to drink all night, and grab that hair of the dog to calm that hangover.
I chose my friends based off of whether or not they wanted to drink with me, because that was what my world revolved around.
I lost sight of everything important, true friends, family, and myself.
I constantly struggled with my weight. I have always been heavier, and I started losing weight the correct way in the beginning, working out and eating healthy. But then it seemed easier to throw up everything so that I could drink more calories, or not eat at all. Food had become my enemy.
With my days spent worrying about what I would eat and throw up, or when I could start drinking, I was clearly a mess. The depression set in real bad, and to cope with the pain, I turned to cutting again and keeping secrets. It’s easy to hide behind a mask, and I got really good at it. I knew when people were watching, and I knew to keep smiling even though I was dying inside.
My first trip to the psych ward was brought on when I lost all control when I was drunk and I woke up with cut marks on my arms and legs. I knew I needed help, and I went through intense therapy and found the root to all my problems: alcohol.
I finally opened up and thought I was on the path to recovery. “I will never drink again… I will never cut again.. I will never make myself throw up..”
That lasted a full month, then I thought I could handle drinking again. I ended up back where I started. Drinking till I couldn’t remember anything, binge eating and throwing up till I saw blood.
November 15th, 2014
I started off my night like any other, drinking casually with a few friends, ending up blacking out. I don’t remember crashing my car, or the ambulance ride, or the early hours of my time in the hospital. I woke up with an IV in my arm, my parents standing around me, and a nurse sitting there reading a magazine; I was on suicide watch. My best friend was the only one allowed to visit me, and she didn’t hold back when she finally got to see me.
I had been hurting my family and friends and I didn’t want to see it. I knew this time I really had to change otherwise I could lose what truly mattered to me, or I could lose my life.
November 16, 2014
Sobriety was my new goal, to get my life back on track. This was day one, the day I would choose to live my life instead of drink it away.
… One day at a time …
That had become more than just a saying, but a life motto. I choose to live my life one day at a time because I cannot change my past, I can only learn from it. I cannot predict my future because then I will miss out on the present. Today I am sober 231 days, I do not self harm, and I am learning to love food! I am happy with how I am growing as a person and I cannot wait to share with my followers my journey. Everyday is a struggle, but it’s a struggle I’m willing to endure because I am worth the life I was given!